“Don’t try to recreate peak experiences. Instead, just accept them as the gift that they are, and don’t beat up on yourself for not being able to stay there. Because if you stayed there, they wouldn’t be peak experiences. They would be normal, every day in time hum drum boring, experiences. So, savor the peak experiences and compliment yourself upon your achieving of them, and expect more of them, and leave everything else out of the equation.”—Abraham Hicks (via joyyoga)
Revive that loving feeling - Not For Them - For You!
Q: How do you keep that loving feeling? Or at least not harbor any ill feelings toward a current relationship or a past relationship?
A: In the beginning of a relationship we are more likely to focus on the things that we like about another person, they are so vivid! We are also probably hopeful and expect things to go well, and there’s usually an eagerness about spending time together and getting to know one another (it’s an exciting time of discovery). If after time, a relationship feels a bit or a lot flat, we can with some deliberate attention create an “in love” feeling again. Those earlier states are supported by habits of mind and focus, things we can practice anytime (we can sabotage our alignment with good feeling aspects of any relationship by focusing on what’s missing, annoying, or difficult in the moment, taking into account the pros and cons, the good and bad, etc.).
It’s helped me a great deal to make lists of things I appreciate in another person, but I have to really feel it, I can’t fake it and make it. I once wrote love letters that I never gave to my mate for 10 days with the intention of raising my own vibration/alignment, and of creating more active energy around my appreciation for him. It was my first experiment using this particular tool and the results were amazing! Try it, the results may surprise you too. And you can use this idea of writing letters or making lists of positive aspects on an ex too! No, not to get back together, but to dissolve any resistance that you don’t (and you don’t) want to carry into your life now or your next relationship. It’s like magic how well it works.
Q: Recently dating, having fun, getting to know each other. For example, we just spent a day hiking, kissing near waterfalls (seriously), eating good food, walking in a new town when he asked me, “Do I make you happy?” I didn’t know how to respond, my gut said no, and not because I’m unhappy. Can you help me understand this?
A: Happiness is something that only we can individually allow or not allow and your “gut”/you at the deepest level know this. Haven’t you had someone do all the right things and still you felt unhappy. All happiness comes from how much alignment we are allowing in our now.
You don’t need to explain your take on law of attraction, alignment, and relationships to the one your with. That usually takes us out of alignment. You might say something gentle like, “Only I can make myself and happy or not, and that’s a good thing. Imagine it the other way around. That said, I liked being with you today and I feel happy.” You might continue (if it feels good), “I liked___ and ___ and wasn’t ___ fun?!”
If they want to know what you mean about who/what makes you happy and you feel aligned in sharing, you might say something like, “The good news is that I can’t pin my happiness on you and I also can’t hold you responsible for my frustrations.” “I do regard relating to you and others as one of my greatest joys in life.”
I think we are here to relate to people, being in love, being intimate, and being in relationship with people has to be some of the greatest experiences in life, but we’d rather allow our own happiness every time than try to get others to stay or be a certain way so that we feel good. See the freedom or lack of in that?
He sent a hello text from work at 10 pm, she said hi back, he asked if she was still up, she took it to mean that he would like to engage, she replied with a looong text describing her favorite things of the last 48 hours and some of her dreamy ideas, “Still thinking about the sexy time we shared yesterday in the____ & on the ____, the way you held me in the middle of the bridge, our laughter, dreaming too about what may lay ahead…like a nice beach, eating papaya and…” That kind of text. To which, he responded, “Something came up and there’s been a lot of paperwork.” That kind of text. Not the kind of text she had hoped for.
The next day - she was in a good mood, doing her thing, sun shining, etc., when he called and apologized for not being able to text back and to thank her for the looong message. When she hung up she noticed herself smiling about being frustrated the night before, and how in the light of day, a little disappointing texting experience didn’t matter anymore.
A small thing? Yes. However, it did get under her skin and become her reason for feeling negative before bed, and it wasn’t the first time that she had been disappointed in text. There had been disappointing text in this and other relationships. Could she set a have worked her alignment/her emotional state to a better place before going to bed? Of course (and she can now). Would she have slept better and waken up more refreshed instead of going to bed with some frustration? Yes. All said, sometimes going to bed, sleeping on it, is the easiest way in the given moment of finding relief.
Here’s a way she could have done 5 minutes of work on her alignment before bed (or what she did the next day or can do the next time it comes up), the idea being work the text issue to a better feeling place a.) to feel better in the now and b.) so that next time it comes up it’s less noticed and then simply, a non-issue. Get pen and paper and go to town finding relief - starting wherever you are:
I am agitated. I am frustrated about his all-business tone when I wanted some other kind of response. I’m not angry (although any emotion is OK), I am disappointed and frustrated and generally feel off my game in this moment. I’m just going to leave it at that. I know it doesn’t help to let my mind go off on this, it doesn’t help to think up more reasons or other times when I’ve felt like this, nor does it help to think about what this says about the relationship. This is not the time to analyze anything. It’s time to get to a clearer better feeling state and then go to bed or take action. I’m not going to take any action now like text him back or tell him how I feel. I’ve learned from experience that such action only makes things worse or harder. So, I’m agitated and that’s where I am starting out. I can probably find some thoughts that move me into feeling some relief:
Well, that wasn’t very satisfying. The text could be better between us. My timing might have been off, perhaps in my gut I knew it wasn’t the right timing for that kind of texting. Maybe my gut was telling me and I wasn’t listening. Kind of sucks, but not the end of the world. It helps me realize, I love it when things flow smoothly because I am listening to my gut. A little off timing is no big deal. Whatever. He’s at work and it’s natural that work is grabbing his attention. I like that he has a job that he enjoys and I appreciate his ability to do it well and focus while he’s there. His job does demand a lot of focus. He’s really good at focusing on life at hand when he’s outside of work, like appreciating our time together, etc. I like that about him. I want to send a text anytime that I am inspired regardless of the response I’ll get. I like sending fun sexy texts when I’m inspired regardles of what comes back to me. It’s about following my inspiration. I can expect pleasing exchanges w/o demanding or pushing for anything from him. All in good time. I like our exchanges, especially in person and there’s no telling how good our texting can be when I illicit it from my alignment and place of good feeling and general expectation that we will continue to have great feeling communications. I have had a sort of story about men I’ve dated and an expectation about being disappointed in text. This is just showing me that I’ve got something going on there and I know I can change that story. I can look at what works in our communication and focus more on that. He’s said some really sweet things lately that I can bring to mind easily now. That feels better. I like what he said yesterday about looking forward to sharing the holidays, being sexy during my workout…Next time, I’ll plan to send the text if it’s gushing out of me in inspiration and if not, I won’t. Communication, like sex, is always best when it’s 100% inspired without any bit of “I should text him something…” I dont’ know if that’s what was going on with me or it’s about my disappointment in the past that attracted the situation. Anyway, I’m feeling better and I’m glad to have the chance to clean up my story about it. Ultimately, I want to take action and love unconditionally - I’m practicing lining up with that by practicing my good feeling alignment on this topic. Sooner or later, it won’t matter if or how or when he responds. He responds in his own way and timing and I like that! I like that he has his own guidance. I like when his responses come from his place of inspiration. I’m feeling better about this. All is well. This was a good experience. I’m going to sleep really well, maybe have dreams about that beach or the feeling of…
[note to self: there is a difference between distracting one’s self to feel better (like getting off the topic or simply going to bed - both good tactics) and working on one’s alignment regarding the specific topic at hand - moving one’s practiced thinking on the topic - one’s story - into a new place so that we are never in the same place again on that issue! This is a good & exciting distinction. Both are helpful techniques and work best depending on where we are relative to the topic in the moment and what we are capable of or what works best to give us relief in the moment.]
Perfect summer night, restless single girl. They had a second date set up for tomorrow, she mulled over calling him back to see if he wanted to move the date up and see a movie in an hour, or she could call a friend to see the movie. Neither option felt like a completely clear idea so she paused. She had learned that it was more fun to go into something inspired than move forward when she felt restless. She took a shower, freshened up and shaved her legs. Why not be ready for anything, like he calls her to suggest a movie while she is in the shower…he did not. OK not meant to be, she talks herself up, “all is well and feeling good not forcing an agenda is my objective anyway.” She sits outside and keeps working her thoughts until inspiration hits her. Pulling the bike outside in the warm summer air felt right. The wind was sublime, she was “going out,” and enjoyed the ride completely. Check out a few runners and bicyclists, see the neighborhood, talk to a cute couple. A few blocks to the river and back. It was the perfect date. Her & the bike & the summer night.
Sexy town or annoyed? - The laundry and life with the one you love.
Sexy sexy. Breaks screeching! But what about that pile of laundry?! When you fell in love you saw primarily the things in him or her that evoked a feeling of love from you. If now a pile of laundry left on the floor bothers you, learn how to not let it bother you. Many relationship books will tell you to talk about the annoyance, or come up with a system, I’ve learned from experience to walk away and deal with my mood (energy, vibe, state, etc.). This approach is simple and effective, especially with practice.
When we are bothered - it’s no time to talk to your man or woman, nor is it time to push through and do that thing that feels annoying. Of course you can, there’s no wrong way, but what if you let it go for a minute or an hour or a day or a lifetime. How about doing something else to affect your state, and increase your good feeling day. I’ve learned when I feel annoyed or negative to clean up my own mood before going further with my panties in a wad.
When we are determined to feel good and do the work to feel good, then the day flows (so does our relationship). We might step over the pile, or pick it up and not lose a beat.
Here’s a practice idea: practice making things a non-issue. When something feels annoying instead of staying annoyed, do something, anything, to distract yourself and feel better. Then decide if you will take action or talk to your mate. It will happen much more effectively and naturally.
I like to remember that I have a choice about how I feel moment by moment. I can’t control my mate, but I can control how I feel and thus the quality of my day. I love the thought, “Do I want to be right or happy?” When I find myself pursuing being right I know it’s time for me to take care of my mood. I no longer tolerate negative moods for very long. Sure, I can still get my panties in a wad, or something may catch me off guard, but as soon as I notice (feel negative in some way), I do everything I can to steer myself in a better feeling direction. I want to attract after all, more of what feels good, not more of what doesn’t feel good to me.
My mate and I enjoy a lot more opportunity for ease and sexy town this way. Life is better for all.
I discovered perfume recently, and now I’m a lush. I’ve been wearing it everyday, and at night to bed. I’ve skunked myself too, I’m still learning how to apply. My friend who has been collecting and wearing perfume forever has been giving me things to try and coaching me. It’s been fun. I wear it when I sleep alone. I wear it to the grocery store. My true love is not going to bump into me in my bed as far as I know, but it makes me happy, and tomorrow he may bump into me picking out peaches or wine.
I’ve learned to do more of what makes me feel good, not to attract someone, but because it feels good to feel good. And you know where that leads!
Here are some ingredients I’ve found useful for meditation. Why meditate? Good Q. Because it will reduce your active resistance between your now reality and what you want in life or love. You will feel better and attract more that feels good in your life.
Do I need to go to a retreat, do it for hours, or chant? No.
Ready? 1. Sit comfortably or lay back (no need to pretzel), 2. Set a timer for 10 or 15 or 20 minutes (that will be sufficient once or twice a day), 3. Close your eyes, 4. Focus on your relaxed breathing (if your focus wanders to your thoughts, no worries, come back gently to your breathing). However, if you feel good and inspired ideas come to mind - enjoy! Sometimes I stop meditating and write, shower, go make that connection…whatever’s come to mind that feels immediate and inspired. Easy peesy. Questions?
If you fall asleep, take a nap - that’s a great way to recharge too. It’s all good. Be easy about it. In 30 days or even 3, you will see positive changes in your life, in your point of attraction, in how you feel, and in your relationships.
They split the rollover minutes, cancelled the Family Plan and moved on.
Emotionally it was also easy. She had recently (past few years) decided not to buy the idea that relationships had to be hard or that breakups had to be hard. She had reset her thinking on the topic, and was determined to focus in ways that made her feel good. Knowing now that she couldn’t manage anyone else’s well-being anyway. She focused on the good qualities of the relationship, her appreciation for him, and everything the relationship inspired in her as far as the clarity of what she wanted in a relationship. And she did this in her own mind, not in conversation with him.
She loved knowing it wasn’t her job to manage his response to the breakup or even be aware of it! Ahhh…the ease. She wished she knew this when she first started dating, but experience is a great way to learn ehh!? Her now understanding was comforting and freeing. When friends asked her, “So, how’s he doing with it?” She said, “I don’t know, we haven’t been in touch, but I like to think he’s well and we’re both moving in a good direction.” Then she stopped talking about it, even if their questions persisted. She was already focused on another topic. She monitored the most important thing - how she felt, and wasn’t willing to get out of alignment in worry or questioning or reflecting too much on what was. She was already taking the good and moving forward.
Best relationship and breakup to date. Now ready and eager for more; closer than ever to the best feeling and most compatible relationship of her life.
Sex is great, when we’re in the zone, out of the zone…no thank you. “I think I’d rather clean the fridge today,” she says to her friend. She was serious. She met a guy, went on a few dates, and decided it wasn’t the right thing despite her longing for a great romp in bed.
We can’t do wrong, but sometimes cleaning the fridge (or anything else mildly inspired) is the best course of action for managing our own alignment and therefore attracting the now and next best into our lives.
Reminds me of a break up story: amicable break up, hot sex when they were together, but not the right overall compatibility to stay together. Yet, after the split she found herself driving over to his house for a booty call, only to realize she would be better off turning around and distracting herself with something else. Not that sex would be “wrong,” it just wouldn’t be as good as if she were in full alignment with it. Part of her had already decided and moved on. This was moving back. So, she got a pedicure, bought a juicy summer peach, and went home satisfied. Alone.
What’s better than sex? The feeling of alignment (joyful, in the zone, hopeful, confident, passionate, satisfied and eager for more). Plus, it’s great to know that when we are in the mode of feeling good we are certain to attract that which we imagine feels good…(hint: there’s more and better sex to come).
I got really comfortable in the big red armchair and set my timer for 15. I smiled as I deliberately thought of the feeling of ease and how it’s taken practice.
What does meditation or ease have to do with great relationships? For starters think of what makes for great sex? It usually doesn’t happen after a habit of carrying the world on our shoulders for a lifetime or even a day. Intimacy is delicious for many reasons and for different reasons to different people. Many of us like the feeling of surrender, total and absolute surrender. The feeling of being carried away. The feeling of being completely in the moment. The feeling of being absorbed in our sensitivities to pleasure, excitement, and release.
I like it when meditation gets my mind at ease and then sexy thoughts take over.
After college I was pretty caught up in being a strong woman, showing my moxy, proving myself to some degree, and trying to get it right (whatever it was). I got good praise, attention, and promotions this way. It’s no wonder however that my trying too hard in my daily life put some brakes on in the bedroom.
And after my divorce (also no wonder, but I have no regrets either - it’s a chapter I appreciate for all it gave me), I was at a yoga retreat in the Bahamas where I was attacking yoga poses with a familiar effort and strain. No pain no gain right. I always thought I could take more and that pushing myself was the key to all my growth. So glad I’m over that!
One day in a forward bend I remember a teacher gently but consistently pressing on my back until tears rolled out of my eyes, not exactly from physical pain, it was more like cracking a dam and releasing some pressure. Later I saw him enjoying his dinner and couldn’t believe his posture - he - the yoga master - was full on slouching over his plate like a teenage boy over a pizza! Hey, I’ve got some easing up to do!
I’m always working with it, it does seem to take awhile to unravel something we’ve practiced. But I love my mode of ease. I love the feeling of carrying joy not the world on my shoulders. I love the feeling of teenage pizza happy slouching during my meditation practice. I love the understanding why I don’t have to fix the world, and how things get done with inspiration and alignment, and that the gain I want doesn’t require any pain.
And, shortly after my yoga retreat the next man to make me cry in release was a man with whom I shared the greatest sex of my life.
Ahhhhh…..ease, surrender, passion, eagerness about life. Room to be and breathe in what feels truly good.
Try an experiment: watch how people respond to you doing everyday things and note your general mood at the time.
This morning I achieved a feeling of optimism and general satisfaction - 3 cups of coffee, 2 pieces of toast with butter and cheese, but most importantly I made it a point to appreciate the sunshine out my windows, plus an invitation to comment on a start up in L.A., and anything else I could readily use as my excuse to feel good/better, essentially I talked myself into feeling good about the day, and then I grabbed my shoes and went out for a walk to move my body and get some sun. Then it got down right funny.
Am I wearing a sign that says, “Be nice to me?!” I actually looked down to see if there was anything unusual about my “look.” Old sneakers, black yoga pants cut off at the knees, a hand-me-down tank top, my favorite worn sweater around my waist, my hair hanging down to dry from the shower, no makeup, my cheap NYC sidewalk sunglasses, my white Apple issued headphones attached to my iPhone (I was listening to my daily “pump up” meditation podcasts)….hmmmmm.
What’s the deal? I walked this path the day before and the day before, why this onslaught of niceness from strangers?
I walked my normal route saw some bicyclists (retirees, families, hipsters - I am in Portland OR today), some runners, some dog walkers, a family with fishing poles, etc. The usual scene.
Here’s how it went: I walked down to the trail smiling from my morning activities and a nice email I got upon walking out the door, appreciating the way the summer air felt and smelled after rain yesterday, and how much I love to move my body, enjoying the speaker on my podcast and generally expecting the day to go well. I walked and stopped to look down at the river, I saw a young girl maybe 4 in bright pink mary jane shoes standing on a lower bridge over the river with her mom. I loved her deep pink shoes against the brown bridge and green landscape. I wished I had a good camera, but smiled because I know it’s in my future and I was enjoying the site regardless. You know those moods where you’re not worrying about what you don’t have (yet) because you can just feel everything working out. You know, a walking on sunshine, in the zone, nothing’s going to break my stride mood…that’s what I felt coming over me.
So, I continued walking, a guy running with a stroller smiled big in my direction, a shy looking man smiled a small but earnest smile in my direction, and I admired a boy running by me with a corn dog in his hand, dad and mom following with fishing poles. I made it to my turn around point and heard a few good mornings from a couple walking by, a young hipster gave me a flashy grin whizzing by on his bike. It’s not the busiest time of day on the trail, and at times I was alone appreciating my podcast, the ideas coming to me, and the way summer looks and feels. Then, back by the bridge, a man who could have been my grandfather rolled by flying 3 flags on his electric wheelchair, wearing a veterans hat and holding a tobacco pipe. “Hello pretty lady. Have a good day!” I smiled. What a face he had! I stopped walking on the side of the bike path and tweeted something like, “Isn’t fun to see how people respond to us when we are feeling good!?” Back on my walk, not a minute later a young girl and her sister ride up to me on bikes and the first one to reach me says, “Hi! How’s your day?” I laugh and say, “Great, thanks!” She’s already gone her parents close behind. I’m almost done with my part of the trail and I see the slightly shy looking guy who says, “Hello…a second time.” I turn back up to the house checking myself over…what’s the story? Well, of course, the story is that we attract primarily by the vibe we are emitting whether we are aware of it or not, deliberately or unconsciously we have a “thing” going on and people are interacting with us or not in response to what’s up with us.
You want to have fun interesting interactions with all kinds of people in better than you imagine and everyday ways? Get feeling good, develop a habit of thinking positive good feeling thoughts, work yourself into a mode of appreciation, ease, eagerness, positive expectations, chillaxed as my friend Pai would say, and then go out and meet the world.